Organizing My Life

As you may or may not know, my life has been a mess for awhile. So I’m currently in the process of finding my daily routine. I’m working on creating new habits so that they will eventually stick to becoming my new routine. Simple things, like putting the dishes away and making sure my home is clean before going to bed, are some things that I want to ensure stick to my day to day life. At the moment, I just clean the dishes whenever I feel like it, and I never make sure that my house is clean before going to bed. Even when I get up in the morning, I don’t always wash my face as I should. I just brush my teeth, and splash water on my face just to wake myself up. I admittedly need to take better care of my face and establish a proper skin care routine as well.

The laziness that formed from my depression has kept me from progressing in life. I have all of this potential but no plan to apply all of my skills. I’m tired of being stuck in one spot. I want to get out of this rut that I’m in and finally get my shit together to live a life that I truly deserve.

The following are a few ways I’m organizing my life:

  1. Keep a journal – I’m keeping a journal to gather all of my thoughts and put them to paper. I find this to be very therapeutic. When you have the abundance of thoughts passing through your brain like I do, keeping a journal is very handy to let go of it all.
  2. Schedule tasks for the day – Earlier this year, I decided to keep a bullet journal in order to become a more productive individual. So many people have said that it’s an amazing way to complete all the tasks you need to do for the day. So, I ordered and kept a bullet journal for about a month. It didn’t work out. I was too concerned about making my journal pretty as opposed to completing the tasks in the journal. So I ditched the bullet journal and looked for other ways to keep track of my days. Then I decided to give Google Calendar a try. I think google calendar is a lot more convenient for someone like me. I don’t have to set up pages and I sure as hell don’t have to be concerned about making anything look pretty. All I have to focus on is getting all of my shit done. Along with Google Calendar, I also use an app called Wunderlist. I LOVE Wunderlist! it’s an amazing to do app. Just list a whole bunch of things you need to do, and check off all of the things that you have done. Simple as pie ūüôā
  3. Eat well/Exercise – In an effort to lose weight, I am currently recording everything that I eat. I use MyFitnessPal to make sure I don’t go over my calorie intake for the day (I will write more about my weight loss progress in future posts). I also watch workout videos on youtube for workouts, and go for walks (sometimes around my kitchen island multiple times, don’t judge :P).
  4. Watch less TV – I’m guilty of watching way too many tv shows. As much as I love binge watching my favourite shows, I have been doing this too much compared to the average person. I have decided to only watch TV when I have done all of the tasks that I need to do.
  5. Meditate/Listen to Music – Taking time out of your day to clear out all of your thoughts is always beneficial to your mental health. I’m trying my best to take care of my mental health without drugs, and this by far helps me out the most. Taking the time to sit quietly by yourself and focus on one thing is beautiful. Also getting lost in listening to music and being aware that you are listening to music (and I mean really pay attention to all of the notes in each song is incredibly therapeutic).

I want to eventually be the person I was meant to be. I hope to be a happier and healthier me sometime next year. I know it won’t happen overnight, but all of my effort should pay off.

xoxo

Gilly

 

 

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What “Beautiful” Means to Me

Being “beautiful” is not what society tells you. It’s not about the contoured makeup or the designer clothes. Being beautiful is being the most authentic version of yourself. Not necessarily the *best* version of yourself, but the most real version of yourself. We can be the best version of ourselves on our good days, but faking yourself to be the best version of yourself is not authentic. Being fake is not beautiful. Being real and authentic is beautiful, flaws and all. And this is something that I’m always trying to engrave into my brain.

We live in a society that constantly pressures us to live a perfect life and to be the best that we can be. It’s wonderful to improve ourselves, and honestly, everyone should take the time to improve ourselves. But the pressure that is placed on all of us to live this perfect life, to be this perfect person and to have the perfect body, is getting completely unrealistic to obtain and sustain. It brings our self confidence down when our life is not perfect even for a day.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t see perfectly contoured makeup on my face, I don’t see the perfect beach body, I don’t see the perfect hair that everyone on Instagram seems to have. I’m not perfect. I am deeply flawed.

Having flaws is what makes us beautiful. Because these “flaws” are what makes us who we are. Why should we try to look and act like everyone else, when what we should all be doing is to get rid of all of the distractions that hinders our self confidence, and get to know ourselves a little better by embracing every part of us.

We should take care of ourselves both mentally and physically. And we all need to know that we are more than our bodies. We are our minds and our souls. Taking care of our minds and our souls is what truly makes us beautiful.

Documenting New Habits

Quite a few things has happened since I last wrote in here. I am done with school and currently looking for work. I started a bullet journal, but that only lasted two months (turns out that it wasn’t a system that I could keep up with). I am working on developing more tech skills. And have started to diet (but that didn’t pan out well either).

I have been feeling very unmotivated for the past two months and now I feel that I need to take action in getting myself back on track. I was reading about how developing small habits eventually change your life. Life is all about habit. When you develop all the right habits, things change in your life for the better. I really need to get out of this rut that I put myself in, and start living the life I have always wanted.

There are quite a few things that I want out of life. The first thing that I want for myself is to have a place that I can hold myself accountable in achieving the goals that I want. So here I am, back writing in this blog to help me achieve that. The second thing that I want is to actually take care of myself both mentally and physically. I don’t treat myself as well as I should. I should be taking care of myself, but I’m in this endless cycle of self-destructive thoughts. And the last thing that I want is to allow myself to feel happy to be myself. That is the ultimate goal.

xoxo

Gilly

How To Deal With People Who Ask “Why Are You Quiet?”

Ahh, the all too common question that us quiet folk get asked a million times.

I’ll admit, having someone ask me this question made me feel completely disrespected. It’s rude to ask someone who is quiet why they are quiet. It’s like asking a gay person why they are gay – they¬†just are.

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I often find myself trying to figure out the perfect response to this question. But there is no perfect response, because the person asking the question just wants to hear you talk. They see you as someone that they can’t figure out, so they feel insecure and uncomfortable whenever you’re around, because they don’t know who you are. Saying absolutely nothing has more power than you think. It makes you mysterious and a question mark. You hold so much power when you say nothing.

When someone asks you this question, don’t feel bad about being quiet. Feel sorry for them having such insecurities about themselves. Most people won’t ask you this question, but there are always those people who are usually used to being the center of attention, that will ask you this question – because they are usually validated by their peers by everything that they say. And when you do nothing to contribute to their conversations, they will start feeling insecure about themselves, then turn it back on you and try to make you feel bad about yourself.

Don’t feel bad for being who you are. You don’t have to change yourself just because you make other people feel uncomfortable. If you don’t like being quiet because you actually don’t want to be quiet, then change. But if you like being quiet most of the time, and only hate being quiet when people ask you this ridiculous question, continue to be quiet. That’s who you are. Own that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet, as long as you are happy. It doesn’t matter what others think, because other people don’t live the same life that you do. They don’t know how it feels to be like you. But if they were in the same shoes as you, I bet you anything that they would also be quiet too.

How I Deal With Negative Emotions

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Everyone has experienced anger, hate, sadness, irritability, etc. Having experienced anxiety and depression for large chunks of my life, I have had to learn how to deal with these emotions more often than the majority of the population. Dealing with feelings of self-hate is a constant struggle that I am still dealing with today.

While most people would actually go see a therapist and go talk to someone (which I highly recommend doing), I have learnt to deal with it in my own way. Not to say that I haven’t tried looking for a therapist or support group. I actually did see one for a brief period of time, but I felt like the therapist that I did talk to didn’t understand where I was coming from. And the support group that I went to was too far of a commute for me to continue on every week, so I eventually stopped going. If you have a support group close to where you live, or if you have found a therapist who is very compassionate and understanding, please keep doing what you’re doing. I feel like going to a great therapist would help me out so much, but I have yet to find one who I can connect with, which is the only reason why I’m not going to one. So with that said, here are a few things that I do to deal with my negative emotions.

  1. Write in my journal – ¬†Keeping a journal helps me get rid of all of the emotions that are hanging out in my brain. I dump all of my emotions into the pages of my journal. After I’m done writing it, I read it. Then I start to reflect on why I feel that way. Sometimes I don’t reflect, and just write and write and write until my negativity calms down. It helps so much, especially when I feel really lost in my life.
  2. Listen to music – Listening to music has played a huge role in making me feel better whenever I feel down. I listen to sad songs – songs that I relate to at the time. I would like to say that I listen to happy uplifting songs while I’m sad, but honestly, I never do that. I feel happy music doesn’t get me when I am sad. I feel happy music makes me feel even worse about how I feel because it makes me feel like my feelings are illegitimate. Songs that represent the mood that I’m currently feel always make me feel better in the end. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to listen to depressing music when you are sad, because when you allow yourself to feel sad, and you connect with a song that understands how you feel, you ultimately feel better after listening to it, because you know at that moment that you are not alone – that other people have felt the exact same thing that you are feeling. That in itself is comforting to know.
  3. Wash the dishes – I know this is weird, but I find washing the dishes or cleaning something in the house always seems to calm me down. Keeping busy and putting my mind into something a little more productive is helpful while I try and gather my thoughts.
  4. Lay in bed – This is probably¬†the last thing that people should do, but I find laying in bed with the covers over my face helps me. I guess it’s my version of feeling good and safe. I know it’s probably not, but I feel like laying in bed, especially while listening to music, makes me feel so much better. No one has to see me cry. No one is there to judge me. It’s just me, my bed, and the music playing in the background. You have no idea how many times this in¬†particular has gotten me though each day. Just allowing myself to feel a certain way and to get it all out has helped me out so much more than you know.
  5. Watch youtube videos – I like¬†to see what other people in my shoes do when they have to deal with negative emotions. I like hearing their stories, as it helps me feel like I’m not alone.

I personally can’t talk to someone else about my problems unless they know exactly what I’m going through. If they don’t understand what I’m going through and can’t offer me solid advice, then I just feel as though it’s a waste of time for me. In other words, if you can’t sympathise with me, it’s pointless for me to talk to you about my problems.

Everyone is different, and everyone has their own ways of dealing with negative emotions. You might be a health buff, and exercising could be a way to help alleviate your emotions. You might be a gamer, and gaming could also be a way to help you work out your emotions. You also might be the type of person who desperately needs to talk to someone. Whatever it is, please consider seeking professional help if you haven’t done so already. What might be wrong for me could be life-changing for you. Just know that we all need to find out¬†our own ways to deal with negative emotions, as everyone is uniquely different. Just keep searching and trying new things to deal with it, and you will finally learn how to cope with it on your terms.

My Life with Anxiety

My name is Gill (Jill) and I have suffered from anxiety and depression for the longest time. I am also a very quiet introvert who wants to be more outspoken, but has been too worried¬†to speak up for fear of offending others. Lately, I have had just about enough of how I have been living my life. It is time for me to take back the life that anxiety and depression has stole from me and allow the real and authentic me to shine through. This will obviously not happen overnight, but I am fed up with not living the authentic and meaningful life that I was meant to be living. I am tired of living inside my brain, constantly worrying about every little thing, and I’m tired of feeling so fatigued and unmotivated to do anything.

Most people know that I’m quiet, but I get the impression that most people often get the wrong idea of who I really am, and that depresses me. It depresses me because the person who I reflect outwards to the world is not me. I am not an uptight goody goody type of person. I’m not a snob who doesn’t want to talk to you. And with my added resting bitch face that I know I have, people ask me what’s wrong, or immediately look at me after telling a joke, that they are sorry and that they are joking. In my mind, I am laughing hard inside, but my outward appearance to others tell a different story. I know that you are joking, and no, I am not offended.

I wish the person that I show to my husband was present to everyone else. That is the real me. I am goofy, weird, and not afraid to share my opinions on everything. It’s weird because I know if I just show the real me to everyone more often, people will like me. But my constant anxiety around others just holds me back, with too many “what ifs” floating around my head.

Talking about anxiety to others is still very much an uncomfortable topic to talk about. It’s a topic that I can talk about for hours because I have been living with it since I hit puberty. But it’s something no one wants to hear about because it’s something that most people do not understand. I don’t just have a temporary case for only a few months or a few years. This has been going on since I was 12 years old. It has damaged my self confidence, many potential friendships, my career, and worst of all, my soul.

So why “The Gilly Code”??

This blog is a way for me to deal with my anxiety and depression, and to finally live the life that I was always meant to live.

Please join me and help me find ways to find a more meaningful and authentic life. A life that I am proud of. A life where I can finally be comfortable just being myself without anxiety hanging over my head. Sometimes talking to absolute strangers who have been through the same experiences is more helpful than talking to those closest to us.